Shyness Awareness

Recently I have been asked by a few people to compile some of my thoughts concerning the subject of Shyness. Never one to recoil from a challenge I put my research head on and began to pore over many people's work that focussed on this topic. Below is the result of my labour.

Shyness, as defined by Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute, has three components:
Excessive Self-Consciousness – you are overly aware of yourself, particularly in social situations.
Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation – you tend to see yourself negatively.
Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation – you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people.

Having taken that as a “given” then my thoughts turned to providing some twenty pointers and tips that will help shyness sufferers move towards overcoming this perceived problem, but firstly let me explain why I say it is a perceived problem. The answer to that is quite simple, there is no such thing as a shy gene! The state of shyness is created by a weak self image, a pre-occupation with oneself and labelling.

Nobody is born shy, therefore it must follow that shyness is, like a vast majority of other “ailments or phobia”, learned behaviour. The direct result of recognising this fact is the conclusion that if shyness is learned, then it can, by its very definition be unlearned.

The 20 pointers

1 learn to understand your shyness, what is it that triggers it and when it does kick in what are you concerned with

2 change from being self conscious into a state of self awareness. The world is not concentrating on you and what you are doing. Become aware of what you are thinking and what you are feeling at the time.

3 identify your strengths and learn to use them to your advantage. Find something you are good at and concentrate on that. This will enable you to boost your self esteem,and help you to build your self confidence

4 learn to like yourself – you are the key to moving forward and before you can make progress it is vital that you put aside all your preconceptions about your being and because you are the only you there is, embrace that you, so that when someone asks you if you like or love yourself you can immediately answer, without hesitation, why of course I do, why wouldn't I?

5 Understand that it is ok to be different – wouldn't life be boring if we were all the same, thought the same thoughts, went to the same places, drove the same cars and so on. Remember that you are a unique individual, that there is only one of you and rejoice in that knowledge.

6 Focus on other people, take an interest in what they have to say, ask questions and wait for the answer.

7 Learn to breathe and maintain a focus on your breathing whenever you feel pressurised and /or nervous. Take deep breaths and inhale and exhale slowly.

8 It is also useful to move about or take exercise when you begin to become anxious. It helps you remove yourself from the situation and allows you to refocus your mind.

9 Visualise yourself as a confident person – when you place yourself in that state notice how you feel, what do you see, how do you stand, how do you place your hands and feet.

10 Use the power of affirmations – create a short affirmation to help you return to the mindset of being capable, confident and at ease with your wonderful self.

11 Sometimes it is good and worthwhile to “face your fear” - when a situation develops that causes your shyness to surface instead of running for the door, stand your ground and face it head on. The more often you do this, the stronger you will become.

12 I use this next tool often – Accept that not everyone will love you. To paraphrase Dr Wayne Dyer's Your Erroneous Zones book, During the US Presidential Elections when George Bush and George McGovern went head to head it was recorded that the victor received 53% of the vote and yet that was declared a landslide victory. So is you manage to get half of the people plus 3% to love you then you have got yourself a landslide!!!! In my own life, I want approval, I like approval, I seek approval but I don't need approval and the same can be said of you if you accept this part of my list.

13 Get rid of the notion that you need to be perfect because in the words of Winston Churchill “perfection is spelt paralysis”. It is far better to natural and make mistakes than to chase the ideal of perfection and be unhappy.

14 Another huge point that has a drastic effect on your approach is carrying around a label – you tell yourself and others “I'm Shy” and guess what? You are shy!!! Get rid of the label and instead acknowledge that you used to be a person who behaved in a shy manner but from now onwards that person has gone and you now welcome the opportunity to be more outgoing and friendly.

15 Practice thinking ahead, know what you are going to say during a conversation or during a talk that you are giving can give a great boost to overcoming your shyness thinking

16 Put yourself on the limit in order to desensitise your fear

17 Relax, breathe and move with grace

18 Do what you feel comfortable doing – go to places where you feel at ease and begin to relax and enjoy the moment.

19 Which leads me to the next point – Focus on the moment! Give it your full attention and don't keep worrying about what will happen in the future. Now, this moment, is all that you have – treasure it and make it special.

20 The final point is to advise you to seek out your success and each time you have a success moment, jot it down, and at the end of each day review it, what did I do there, how did it feel. This will then become your Journal of Success and if you do this diligently it will help you recreate the same situations often, until they become second nature.

As a follow up to this research I have produced a handy business card sized “aide memoir” to sit inside your wallet or purse and it is called 10 steps to overcome shyness. This card is available by dropping me a quick email with your address and I will send one out to you.

So there we have it, my thoughts on Shyness Awareness. I hope that you find them interesting and useful.

Until we speak again

Live a life of love and passion and remember

Don't predict the future - CREATE IT!


DAve