New Website Launched

Hi we have just launched the Changing Times website please copy the details below into your brower to take a look

www.changingtimes2.co.uk

Thanks and remember Create Yourself a GREAT day!


DAve

Me / I Communicaton

How often have you had the sort of conversation where the simplest of statements gets totally misunderstood and the person you are talking to believes that they are being addressed in an authoritarian, dictatorial fashion, when the you, the speaker, simply wants them, the listener, o perform a relatively simple task?

For example

"You must take the dishes out of the dishwasher before going to bed tonight otherwise we won't have any clean crockery for breakfast" - this simple statement implies that it is an order or command whereas the person making the statement views it as an easy to follow request that the dishwasher be emptied before bedtime.

Wouldn't it be far easier, clearer and less threatening to say something along the lines of -

"Before we go to bed tonight would you take the dishers out of the dishwasher for me please, so that we can have clean crockery at breakfast time?"

To put it a different way - in order to gain another person's attention the first goal should be to avoid jumping down their throat and making them defensive. This can be achieved by the use of the Me / I technique instead of using the word "you" all the time.

Here are some phrases that are guaranteed to "get up the other person's nose"

You are really inconsiderate
You are so selfish
You are acting like a child
You know what your problem is?
You're always running away

The use of "you" language provokes defensiveness. Using a "you" statement puts the speaker into the role of both judge and jury - a position the other party will most likely find unacceptable.

The Me / I technique allows for the communication of feelings about the other person's behaviour without being judgemental. This technique will allow a normal conversation with the other person without ever having to fight again, and it stops arguing completely.

The Me / I technique has 4 distinct parts

It describes the other person's behaviour
It details your interpretation of it
It describes your feelings towards the behaviour
It describes the consequences the behviour is having upon you

Here is a worked example of the technique in action. For the purposes of illustration I will call speaker 1 Diane and speaker 2 Charlie

Diane says " You've been coming home late all week now without calling me once (behaviour). Are you trying to avoid me, or are you seeing someone else (interpretation)? I'm starting to feel unattractive (me) and unappreciated. I'm (me)really hurting inside (feeling). If this keeps up I'm(me) going to go crazy worrying about you(consequence).

Charlie responds "I'm so sorry(me) I did not think that you felt like this. I'm not avoiding you(me), I do appreciate you(me) and no! I'm not seeing anyone else(me). I've been so bogged down(me) at work lately, I've had to work longer hours and the stress is really getting to me. When I get home(me) I'm just so tired that I need a bit of time to myself. I don't(me) want to feel this way and I promise that from now on I'll call you every time I have to work late"

The Me / I technique is powerful because it reduces defensiveness, increases honesty and clarifies everyone's feelings. It is virtually impossible to aggravate someone using this technique.

In the given example the message was clearly communicated by both parties and that ultimately resolved the matter, without the need for a row or disagreement.

Good Me / I statements work best when they are delivered in the right way, in the right tone of voice and at the right time. So it may be best to wait a few minutes before speaking to ensure that the other person is listening.

* This passage was adapted from "Non Violent Communication" by Marshall P Rosenberg

Make a difference!

DAve

Making Progress

Hi, a very short and sweet post, more a news item than anything else - the newest branch of the Altered Image practice, Changing Times has now started to gain momentum - we have secured a web domain www.changingtimes2.co.uk and I am now working furiously to produce the starter website. We have purchased a dedicated phone number, business cards and flyers have been produced and distribution has begun.

I am currently checking to see if I can add podcasts onto this page, so that you can listen to the content as well as read it - will keep you posted as that develops.

Take care and remember

Don't predict the future - CREATE IT!

DAve

Life Analysis project

Hi, I hope that you are creating a fantastic day for yourself right now, I know I am!

There are one or two people out there who come to me with problems in getting their life to balance and complaining that they are not making "progress", that they are stuck or static.

The Life Analysis project will go some way to putting things back into focus and help you to determine the actions that will kick start your life once again. As human beings we are really only satisfied and sense a feeling of fulfilment when we are making "progress". That is what makes us feel alive.

So here goes -

Take a pen and paper and write down your answers.

Ask yourself this question

"What am I putting up with in my life right now?"

Next answer this question

"What is wrong with my career; health; spiritual life; business; friendships; fun; family; finances?"

Now take your answers and score them on a 1-10 scale where 1 is the worst and 10 is the best.

Looking at each of the scores in turn work out what needs to happen to make that score into a 10.

Then ask yourself

"What steps can I take right now to move these scores nearer to a 10?"

Once you have determined the steps to take it is down to you and you alone to put them into action.

Notes

1. When performing this Analysis always see things as they really are, but not worse than they really are
2. Having done that see thing better than they are and set this as the standard you want to achieve
3. Be prepared to take MASSIVE ACTION to make the changes happen
4. And finally remember this key statement

"At any moment in time, I can learn something that I was not expecting to learn" - Tony Robbins.

Until the next time

Make a Difference!

DAve

Acknowledgement to Tony Robbins 2009

Should and Ought

For the past few years as I have progressed through my training and development as a Life / Personal Performance Coach I have begun to notice a trend in the type of people I work with. They all come to me displaying various problems, issues and ailments BUT without exception they all display the same trait..... they know that to move forwards in life they have to do certain things, but they continually use the phrases "I should" or "I ought to"

I am here to tell you that in most cases shoulds and oughts will NEVER get done! If you want to move forwards in this life and make progress those need to become "MUSTs"

Once you have a "must do" in your life the scene is set for progress.

I have spent a large proportion of my Coaching life talking to people about Goals and Goal Setting and because I believe in the maxim "practice what you preach" I have followed the paths towards my own personal goals in small manageable steps. Some of these steps have been preceded by the term "should" or "ought" - yes I too have been guilty of this error and sometimes I still am.

However, I am fortunate in so much that I am a self starter and can get things done despite the "should" thinking even though the progress may have been slower than if I had done these things as a "must"

Since I have shifted my awareness to counter this thinking and adopted a "must" attitude to most things, I have personally accomplished much much more in a shorter time.

A word of caution here though - beware of using the word "must" when talking to others, it can, if used carelessly, be a stepping stone towards disaster. If "must" is preceded by the word "you" then you have a 90% plus guarantee that you will get the other person's back up and they will become hostile towards you. In this situation it is far better to adopt the Me I method of communication (but more of this in a later posting)

So to return to the main theme and to summarise the content of this post -

Don't get fooled by "should" and "ought", they will make you feel happy and cushioned and are the keys to procrastination and being ineffective.

If progress is your goal, it really has to be a "must"

take care and CREATE A GREAT DAY

DAve.

Sunday 5th July 2009

This is my first proper post on here, and I hope that this will set the base line for what goes on this page.

I will try to add at least 2 new posts each week and the plan is that they will be informative and beneficial.

Enjoy what I think are some very intersting tips for retaining a young outlook on life, as given by George Carlin,


HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Welcome to the Altered Image Blog

Hi

Thank you for stopping by and I hope that you will find this blog site interesting.

I will be adding a new post during the weekend.

DAve