Me / I Communicaton

How often have you had the sort of conversation where the simplest of statements gets totally misunderstood and the person you are talking to believes that they are being addressed in an authoritarian, dictatorial fashion, when the you, the speaker, simply wants them, the listener, o perform a relatively simple task?

For example

"You must take the dishes out of the dishwasher before going to bed tonight otherwise we won't have any clean crockery for breakfast" - this simple statement implies that it is an order or command whereas the person making the statement views it as an easy to follow request that the dishwasher be emptied before bedtime.

Wouldn't it be far easier, clearer and less threatening to say something along the lines of -

"Before we go to bed tonight would you take the dishers out of the dishwasher for me please, so that we can have clean crockery at breakfast time?"

To put it a different way - in order to gain another person's attention the first goal should be to avoid jumping down their throat and making them defensive. This can be achieved by the use of the Me / I technique instead of using the word "you" all the time.

Here are some phrases that are guaranteed to "get up the other person's nose"

You are really inconsiderate
You are so selfish
You are acting like a child
You know what your problem is?
You're always running away

The use of "you" language provokes defensiveness. Using a "you" statement puts the speaker into the role of both judge and jury - a position the other party will most likely find unacceptable.

The Me / I technique allows for the communication of feelings about the other person's behaviour without being judgemental. This technique will allow a normal conversation with the other person without ever having to fight again, and it stops arguing completely.

The Me / I technique has 4 distinct parts

It describes the other person's behaviour
It details your interpretation of it
It describes your feelings towards the behaviour
It describes the consequences the behviour is having upon you

Here is a worked example of the technique in action. For the purposes of illustration I will call speaker 1 Diane and speaker 2 Charlie

Diane says " You've been coming home late all week now without calling me once (behaviour). Are you trying to avoid me, or are you seeing someone else (interpretation)? I'm starting to feel unattractive (me) and unappreciated. I'm (me)really hurting inside (feeling). If this keeps up I'm(me) going to go crazy worrying about you(consequence).

Charlie responds "I'm so sorry(me) I did not think that you felt like this. I'm not avoiding you(me), I do appreciate you(me) and no! I'm not seeing anyone else(me). I've been so bogged down(me) at work lately, I've had to work longer hours and the stress is really getting to me. When I get home(me) I'm just so tired that I need a bit of time to myself. I don't(me) want to feel this way and I promise that from now on I'll call you every time I have to work late"

The Me / I technique is powerful because it reduces defensiveness, increases honesty and clarifies everyone's feelings. It is virtually impossible to aggravate someone using this technique.

In the given example the message was clearly communicated by both parties and that ultimately resolved the matter, without the need for a row or disagreement.

Good Me / I statements work best when they are delivered in the right way, in the right tone of voice and at the right time. So it may be best to wait a few minutes before speaking to ensure that the other person is listening.

* This passage was adapted from "Non Violent Communication" by Marshall P Rosenberg

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